Signs that you or someone close to you may be in a (potentially) abusive relationship

About ten years ago, a friend of mine was in a relationship with a guy she had, to put it mildly, completely fallen head over heels for. Tall, striking, smiling, laid-back, with a bit of a Robert Pattinson vibe. At first glance, he seemed like a perfectly logical match for her. But as the weeks went by and we all started spending more time together, I began noticing shifts in his mood, impulsive reactions, and a level of narcissism I couldn’t quite decide whether to read as harmless — even attractive — or as something concerning. Unfortunately, I chose the former.

Related: Violence against women in the region is alarming. What to do when you witness it

A few months later, I received a message from that same friend with a photo of her bruised eye, hematomas across her face and body, and a note saying she had been at the police station but didn’t know what to do next. “I don’t know why I provoked him so much,” “…he threw me on the floor and dragged me by the hair, I was terrified…,” “I felt so helpless, I couldn’t calm him down, I don’t understand where it came from or why”… Sentences like these echoed in my head for weeks. But most of them came down to the same thing — shock and disbelief that someone she loved so deeply was capable of inflicting pain, fear and harm on her.

Signs that a partner may be abusive

“An abusive man can be very skilled at expressing intense love at the beginning of a relationship, which is a trap that’s easy to fall into. He doesn’t necessarily have a plan to hurt or abuse his partner, but his idea of a relationship is one in which the woman must fulfil all his expectations and needs. To achieve that, he imposes control and uses coercion,” psychologist Tanja Ignjatović from the Autonomous Women’s Center explains. She adds that most abusers show “warning signs” before abuse appears in an open form. Here are some of them.

• Women should be cautious if their partner speaks disrespectfully about an ex (or about women in general), portrays himself as a victim, or admits to abusing a former partner but justifies it with circumstances.
• If he disrespects his partner, belittles her or mocks her, whether in public or in private, that creates fertile ground for abuse.
• It’s also alarming when he idealizes and glorifies his partner (he doesn’t see her, but a fantasy of his “ideal woman”), because he may become cruel if she doesn’t meet his expectations.
• He often defines the relationship as serious too quickly, planning a shared future, marriage or children very early on, which suggests a desire to impose control.
• They tend to have a strong need to control their partners. Early in the relationship this happens subtly. Control is framed as love, devotion and a desire to be together all the time. It often begins with her appearance and how she spends her time, then expands to her activities and relationships, gradually taking over every aspect of her life.
• Jealousy is one of the most reliable signs that there will be violence in the future. The problem is that at the beginning it looks like love, so women rarely recognize it as a desire to possess.
• Isolation from her close circle, family, friends, colleagues, aligns with controlling behavior and serves several purposes: to steer her toward the “only possible” relationship (with him), to prevent a “reality check” (verifying what he tells her), and to cut off emotional support and access to reliable information.

Other warning signs may also be present, such as refusing to take responsibility (or blame), being focused only on himself, having double standards for his own behavior and his partner’s, disregarding her wishes and feelings related to sexual intimacy, twisting her words and gaslighting her, intimidating her when he’s angry, making threats or ultimatums if she leaves, and using alcohol or drugs. Physical violence, which is the easiest to recognize, doesn’t have to be present; it may have happened only once, or exist as a threat, or as a reminder of what happened to his previous partner or another woman, but even that can be enough to create paralyzing fear.

What questions should you ask if you suspect someone is experiencing abuse?

Psychologist Ignjatović emphasizes the importance of asking open-ended questions, because they don’t assume the answers and give the woman space to choose whether she wants to talk, and to describe in her own words what is happening, what she thinks and how she feels. “She needs to have control over the conversation because that control has already been taken from her. You can start by mentioning what you’ve observed and gently offer to talk about what’s going on in the relationship. It’s very important to give her time to speak about experiences that are difficult to talk about, not to fill her silence with your own talking. Listen carefully, don’t comment, judge or give advice. Recognize the emotion — distress, confusion, fear, guilt — and allow her to talk about it. It’s important to clearly say ‘I understand you,’ ‘I support you,’ ‘I’m on your side,’ ‘there is a way out,’ while still leaving room for her to make her own decisions. It can help to give her the phone number of a women’s organization she can call anonymously to talk in confidence, check her concerns, and make a safe plan for leaving the relationship.”

How to talk to friends who are experiencing abuse, and truly support them

If you’ve noticed signs of abuse or suspect that someone’s partner may be violent, we come to an equally difficult part: how to approach your friend, how to talk to her? It’s not easy to talk to a woman who doesn’t see her partner as abusive or herself as a victim, who doesn’t recognize the signs that the relationship isn’t equal or based on mutual respect, even if that’s obvious to others. As psychologist Tanja Ignjatović told me, pointing out inappropriate behavior can sometimes make a woman who doesn’t interpret it that way feel like her friends or family are jealous of her “happiness.”

“When she’s in love, when she loves him, she will accept his demands and explanations, adjusting her own behavior to preserve the relationship. Even when she does notice something is wrong, she tends to believe it’s just an incident, justify it, or convince herself that if it gets worse, she’ll be able to leave. But that is a dangerous trap. The longer she stays in the relationship, the harder it is to leave.”

She explains that friends who recognize warning signs should do the following:

• clearly express their concern
• point out specific behaviors, what exactly is wrong and why, without attacking him or the relationship
• if she agrees to talk, support her in setting clear boundaries with her partner, as this can make his control, isolation and abusive behavior more visible
•  be careful , advice and “ready-made solutions” don’t help, and insights and decisions must come from her
• offer unwavering support for her values, dignity, self-respect and strengths — everything the abuser tries to undermine
• tell her she is not to blame for his behavior and his violence
• do not cut off the relationship or get angry, no matter what the abuser does to turn her against her friends or family
• give her a clear message that you’re there for her, that your “door is always open,” and offer support and practical help if she decides to leave him